


the right lines

by relationshipcrimes



Series: shuake week 2019 [7]
Category: Persona 5
Genre: Akira 'Fuck Cops' Kurusu, Akira Is Juste. A Thirstey Hoe. Thatse It. He Canot Change This - Freeform, Competitive Flirting, Futaba Loving Hours, Gen, M/M, Makoto Should Have Been Team Leader, Respect Ryuji Juice, Two Sentence Reference To Blood
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-20
Updated: 2019-10-20
Packaged: 2020-12-22 20:48:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,503
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21082871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/relationshipcrimes/pseuds/relationshipcrimes
Summary: In the light of the Phantom Thieves' new popularity, the Phantom Thieves transform Leblanc into a Phantom Thief-themed café for a day as a bonding activity, complete with costumes, masks, and decorations for Leblanc. Akira has fun with it when Akechi walks in.





	the right lines

**Author's Note:**

> Written for Shuake Week 2019, Day 7: Theme Café.
> 
> Haru's not here because this is supposed to be before Okumura's Palace :( also Sojiro is off doing errands or smthg because I am not strong enough to juggle _ten_ characters in one scene I'm sorry lolololol

Within two hours, they've scared away half of Sojiro's customers, turned Akira's duffel bag inside out and then accidentally locked Morgana inside on a dare, took photos of themselves replicating several Jojo memes in their knock-off Thief outfits, apologized to Makoto for zipping Morgana inside Akira’s duffel, accidentally got Yusuke started on Leblanc’s aesthetic qualities, attempted to get Yusuke unstarted on Leblanc’s aesthetics, failed, dared Ryuji to lick his own elbow while they’re waiting for Yusuke to wind down, hotly debated if Ann should be cast as Featherman Yellow or Featherman Pink within hearing distance of paying customers, cajoled Ann and Makoto into doing an unironic Sailor Moon impression, and made Futaba laugh so hard that chocolate milk came out her nose.

Akira decides the day is a success, in his professional opinion as team leader.

For a lot of reasons: Futaba’s out of her room, isn’t glued to her phone, isn’t hiding in the kitchen, and is also smiling in public, which means Sojiro’s trip to “buy groceries” twenty minutes ago was probably his excuse to have a good manly cry. Yusuke managed to put up the Phantom Thief-themed decorations around Leblanc without deciding to rip out entire wood planks for the cause of art (or at least, not without Ryuji successfully stopping him in time). Ann’s having a cheerful conversation with Yusuke about how he made their Thief-themed café uniforms for today, and whether or not he’d ever consider going into the fashion industry. Ryuji’s sitting backwards on a bar stool commenting on whatever Futaba’s showing him on her 3DS. Morgana’s having a nap upstairs in the attic like an old man.

They didn’t make a profit loss, miraculously. They didn’t mess up anyone’s orders, thanks to Makoto. For a whole minute, it seems to everyone that they’re going to have pulled it off, helped Futaba come a little more out of her shell, and get away with the Phantom Thieves themselves pretending to be their own phandom and dressing up Sojiro’s café in mock imitations of their own calling card for a whole day.

And then Akechi steps into Leblanc.

You know, Goro Akechi, the guy who made a loudmouthed public statement about how fundamentally opposed to the Phantom Thieves he is and how he’d catch them if it was the last thing he did, and also has been pretty noticeably tailing Akira all over the city ever since Akira forgot to use his brain cells and started arguing with Akechi about morality on live TV, _and_ is being kind of bullied in public because all of Tokyo is currently selling little Phantom Thief keychains and flaming anyone who says anything bad about the Thieves online—yeah, _that_ Akechi? Not to say that Akechi is maybe The One Person They Didn’t Want To See On This Day Specifically, but they can only say that because Ryuji was very adamant that he would prefer not to see Akechi’s face on Any Day At All. Then everyone tries to look not guilty, because they're not doing anything wrong that Akechi could, you know, arrest them for—at least not _technically_.

Akechi blinks. Stares at Yusuke’s remodeling of Leblanc, the Thieves’ calling card on almost every square inch of the place, draping the walls in red banners, and placing little red top hats on the tables as centerpieces. “This _is _Café Leblanc,” says Akechi. “Or did I take a wrong turn somewhere…?” 

All the Phantom Thieves, dressed in red waiter vests and little red domino masks like the Phantom Thieves calling card, look at each other and shift from foot to foot. (Yusuke in particular looks entirely unbothered for some reason, like he woke up one morning and was mildly perplexed to find he was dressed in a cheap suit, and hasn’t bothered to take it off yet, and Akechi’s appearance isn’t going to phase him now.) They’re probably supposed to have a back-up plan for when the detective investigating the Phantom Thieves walks into a café full of seven different Phantom Thieves pretending to be the public’s bastardized phandom perception of the Phantom Thieves, but none of them can quite recall if they ever came up with one. If they did, Akira would know it, because Akira is the leader and he always knows what to do.

Akira walks right up to Akechi, still in his fancy shoes, red vest, and bright red mask. He takes Akechi’s hand like he’s about to ask him to ballroom dance with him, and says, “Welcome to the Phantom Café of Hearts, Detective. What a pleasure to see you here today.”

Ryuji nearly falls off his chair. Slowly, Makoto lowers her head and rubs at her temples. Akechi’s smile slowly gains the distinct edge of a man two inches from ripping Akira’s hand off and slapping him with it. 

It’s not like theme cafes were invented yesterday; there’s several in Akihabara already who’ve dressed their waiters in red masks and suits, so Leblanc is not the first café to capitalize on the Phantom Thieves’ recent spike in popularity. Akechi should know that every customer in a themed café is obligated to at least tolerate the café’s theme or leave. Akira gestures to Leblanc’s table booths with a grandiose sweep of his arm, still holding Akechi’s hand. “Please, have a seat, my dear detective.” 

“I’ve suddenly remembered I have something extremely important I have to do right now immediately,” says Akechi, peeling his fingers out of Akira's grip.

“My,” says Akira, “and here I thought that your detective’s intuition had led you to me.” 

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Akira?” says Ryuji from behind the counter. “_What_ are you doing—” 

“And why would it lead to you?” Akechi asks pleasantly. 

Akira gestures to his own outfit. “Because I’m a Phantom Thief, of course.” 

“_Akira_,” Makoto says, more insistently. 

“I am, in fact, the leader of the Phantom Thieves,” Akira says. 

Ryuji yelps as Ann seizes his arm and squeezes like he’s a human stressball. Makoto is staring at Akira like she can bore a hole through his skull and inscribe “_I will not taunt the police in broad fucking daylight_” on the inside of his prefrontal cortex with her eyes alone. 

“Really,” says Akechi with supremely false cheer. “And the leader of the Phantom Thieves is spending his time waiting tables at a themed café, is he?” 

“It's team bonding,” Akira replies. 

“Dude, what are you doing just telling him—ow!” Ryuji yelps, as Makoto elbows him hard in the ribs.

“Masquerading as yourselves in broad daylight, then?” Akechi asks.

“I knew you’d understand me.”

Akechi surveys the rest of them lurking behind the bar. The Thieves look at each other in turn, unsure if they should leave this to their leader or kill him before he can make everything worse. “Well, then," says Akechi in that deceptively polite voice he uses. "If you're the leader, and this is 'team bonding,' then that means every person in this café is part of the famed Phantom Thieves, are they?” 

“Uh, Akira, can you get over here for a second?” Ann says loudly. 

“In a minute,” says Akira, and then back to Akechi: “Yes, all of us."

“Next you’ll tell me your cat is a Thief, too," says Akechi dryly.

“UH, _AKIRA_," Ann says desperately, "whoops we spilled curry all over the kitchen can you come help us out and stop talking to Akechi PLEASE." 

“My cat is also a Phantom Thief and an invaluable member of our team,” says Akira. 

“You tell some very tall tales. As to be expected from a law-breaking Phantom Thief, I assume.” 

Akira raises one gloved hand to his mouth in mock offense. “Me, lie? I would never abuse your trust in such a way. I’m a gentleman thief at heart."

“_Please for the love of god someone stop him before he gets us all arrested_,” Ann begs Makoto. Futaba, despite hiding practically under the sink at this point, starts giggling.

“How wonderful to hear, since lying to the police is, in fact, a crime in itself,” Akechi replies as if he hadn't heard. "Unfortunately, if this all true, I’ll have no choice but to arrest you, won’t I?” 

Makoto wheels around, pushes past Yusuke (who’s regarding the entire scene like a mildly interesting performance art that concerns him in no way, shape, or form), and marches upstairs to the attic.

“Now, now, detective,” says Akira fondly. “I may have testified, but you need evidence, don’t you?” 

Akechi appears to think about this. “Quite true! Kurusu-kun, correct me if I’m wrong, but I was under the impression that you specifically were involved in the original Kamoshida case—the very first appearance of the Phantom Thieves?” 

“Was I?” says Akira. “Why don't you tell me, if you know so much.” 

“There’s word Kamoshida was going to expel you and your friend Sakamoto—who you’ve also implicated as a Phantom Thief—giving both of you ample motivation to steal Kamoshida’s heart, correct?” 

“Rumors are everywhere, Detective. Kamoshida never filed an official expulsion form. I didn’t think you, of all people, would put stock in hearsay.” 

“Ryuji _please _set the kitchen on fire or _something_ to make him stop,” Ann says. 

“Wh—_no_?! Why _me_? Do it yourself!” 

“_I’m_ not doing it! It’s Boss’s kitchen!”

“Can I do it?” says Futaba’s voice from under the sink.

Ann opens her mouth, closes it, appears to consider it. “_Ann_?!” Ryuji says. “It’s _Boss’s kitchen_?!”

Meanwhile, Akechi goes on: “And what about your friend over there, Madarame’s pupil? Another who would benefit greatly from working with the Phantom Thieves to steal hearts, no?” 

Akira is unimpressed. “That very well may be true, if the abuse allegations towards Madarame were ever verified. Coincidences do happen.” 

Akechi glances towards Yusuke, who is examining his nails as if in a show of obvious lack of care. (In reality, there's a rather unusual color of paint stuck under Yusuke's nail, and he's trying to remember how to replicate it.) “And perhaps the mysterious death of Shujin’s principal is just another coincidence?” Akechi asks.

“You disappoint me, detective,” says Akira, adjusting his red gloves with pointed disdain. “You're stringing together circumstantial evidence as if it would ever hold up in court.” 

Akechi narrows his eyes. “And yet circumstantial evidence can be and often is the grounds for detainment. Despite a lack of conclusive evidence, between your testimony as to the identities of the Phantom Thieves and the trail of the Thieves’ victims, I'd be more than obligated to arrest you based on the evidence I already have, wouldn’t I?” 

Akira leans in. Considering it’s only a costume for a themed café, the red mask looks terribly real now that it’s six inches from Akechi’s nose, thanks to Yusuke's costume work. “I suppose you’d have to,” says Akira, “if you can.” 

“You’re awfully sure of yourself, Mr Thief,” Akechi replies quietly. “One might say that that arrogance will be your downfall before the law.” 

“Is that a promise, Detective?” 

“I would have qualified it as a threat, myself.” 

Akira smiles widely. There's a sharp glint in his eyes like this was _precisely _what he wanted to hear. Slowly, he leans in and— 

—flinches as Morgana sinks his claws directly into Akira’s ankle. Ryuji hisses in sympathy. Makoto’s standing at the bottom of the stairs to the attic, Morgana’s empty duffel bag in her hand, arms crossed. 

“What are you _doing_?!” Morgana wails. “I look away for _two seconds_ and you’re off taunting cops?! What happened to keeping a low profile?!” 

“Morgana! Dude, that’s blood!” Ryuji says loudly. “You didn’t have to effin’ _stab_ him, you shitty cat—”

“I’m not a cat! And you _know_ he deserved it!”

“Oh _noooooooooooooo_ Akira,” Ann says loudly, “you should get that looked at! Right now, maybe!” 

“Goodness, yes,” says Akechi, as if Ann’s concern wasn’t very obviously and loudly faked and as if Futaba isn’t snickering at Ann’s bad acting as they speak. “That looks horrendous—here, why don’t you sit down?” 

Akira reaches down and grabs Morgana by the neck and peels him off his leg like a limp bandaid. “Hey! I’m not done with you!” Morgana cries. “I know you’re smarter than this if you’d just ever _use your head_—” 

Morgana gives a rather catlike yowl as Makoto scoops him right back up and shoves into the duffel like she hadn’t been the person to let him out. “So sorry for the disturbance,” says Makoto politely. “I really have no idea how he got out. Akira, I really _must_ insist that you take a seat, now.” 

Akira’s looking rather impressed with how much damage Morgana's managed in half a second. Ryuji was right and the blood is beginning to leak into his sock, which gets several concerned exclamations from the other Thieves as Ann and Ryuji pull Akira back to the bar to make him sit down. Makoto hands him a first aid kid with a look that heavily implies she’ll be having words with him later. Yusuke looks over at Akira’s leg when he lifts the edge of his pants. “Oh, that does look quite bad,” he says. “Are you alright, Akira?”

“I’m fine.”

“The hell he is!” Ryuji says angrily, peeling a large bandage for Akira. “I swear I’m going to punt that damn cat off a ledge some day—always complaining, scratching, being a picky eater, telling us to stop texting at night—”

“_RYUJI_,” says Ann. Futaba’s voice cackles from somewhere under the sink.

“I MEAN. With his, uh, meowing,” says Ryuji quickly. “Because he doesn’t really talk. That would be ridiculous.”

“It’s a metaphor,” says Makoto.

“I don’t know what caterpillars turning into butterflies have to do with this, but sure,” says Ryuji.

Akira places the bandaid on his ankle carefully and pats it down, mostly for Yusuke’s sake, who seems rather invested in replicating the image in his notepad. “Morgana's a stray, so it was bound to happen,” Akira tells Akechi. “Looks like we haven’t trained him well enough.” 

“I suppose it’d be much easier to train him if he really were a Phantom Thief,” Akechi says with a light laugh. “You said your _cat_ was a Phantom Thief with so much conviction I nearly believed you. Your acting skills are truly wasted in a café. You should try out for a local theatre.” 

“Speak for yourself,” says Akira. “I thought you were going to handcuff me on the spot.” 

“Well, I thought it’d be rude not to play along, with how you were giving the role everything you had! Still, I admit I had some fun myself.” 

Akira pokes at the wound and lifts bloody fingers away, thinking. “I thought so,” Akira says, and smiles slightly. “Let’s do that again sometime.” 

“Are you _serious_?” Ryuji says.

“Akiraaaaa,” Ann whines.

Morgana yowls in outrage from inside Akira’s duffel bag and Makoto clutches the bag like she’s putting Morgana into a headlock through the cloth.

“Maybe without you getting terribly injured?” Akechi says.

“Hm,” says Akira. “Maybe.” 

**Author's Note:**

> twitter [@r_crimes](https://twitter.com/r_crimes)  
tumblr [@akechicrimes](http://akechicrimes.tumblr.com)


End file.
